3 Things You Shouldn't Say to a Co-worker Who Stabbed a Guy Four Times

It was indeed fortunate that I was on good terms with Alice, my co-worker. I only needed to look as far as the local paper to find out what happened to those with whom she was on bad terms. She stabs them.

According to the newspaper article, she had stabbed a man who was thought to be dating her niece. Maybe it was self defense. The article went on to say she stabbed him four times and after he managed to run away, she chased him down the street. Maybe it wasn't self defense. As to whether it was premeditated, it was reported that she traveled, at 4am, from Crazytown to Stabbyville (Dartmouth to Spryfield) carrying with her a large knife and bear spray.

At work the next day, we read that she was charged with attempted murder. The next day we read that the charges were downgraded to aggravated assault. Two days after that we no longer had to read about her in the paper because she came back to work while awaiting trial. So what do you say to a suspected stabber (stabbist?). I went with the simple and casual "How're you doing?" She answered, "stressed". And we left it at that. She seemed calm and composed but I certainly didn't make it easy. It turns out it's very hard to avoid all stab related words and sayings. Within the first week of her being back, I made the following three faux pas. I saw her struggling with the price check machine so I helpfully offered, "Here, I'll take a stab at it". Later, I saw her using the little gun we use to attach tags to clothes (and using it rather recklessly I thought) and I said, "Careful, that's sharp" before remembering that she of all people understood the danger of sharp objects. And later in the week a group of us were talking about vacationing in Mexico and someone mentioned that it wasn't very safe and I countered with "Halifax isn't that safe either. Just walking down the street you might get sta...shot." I have a talent for making awkward situations a bit more awkward. Each time I make one of these slips I freeze and then glance over at her to make sure I haven't aroused any stabby urgings. So far, so good.

After she'd been back a little over a week, she started telling me about a dream she had. Normally I don't want to hear about people's dreams because they're stupid and boring, but I figured any dream she'd have would surely reveal some fascinating insight into a violent mind. I couldn't possibly pass up this opportunity. But I listened to her whole dream and she never got to the good stuff. It was mostly about her being back home in Africa and telling people there that if they were going to Canada they would need warm jackets. I chose to interpret this as representing her immigrant experience and being met in Canada with a figurative coldness (and likely jail time). I didn't say that though. I just said, "Yeah, it's freezing here."

I seem to be the main person she talks to at work. If anyone needs to tell her anything, they ask me to do it (including one time when they got me to tell her she wasn't entitled to another break because she was only working a short shift. I waited until she was finished using the scissors.) One day as she was leaving she stopped and touched my hair. I'm pretty used to this. For some reason people love touching my hair. But how should I interpret it in this situation? Was it a subtle warning? Was it a gesture of friendship? Do I have to visit her in prison? I wish I knew more about criminal etiquette.

June 1, 2047

I received some fantastic news today. It seems Walmart has some type of pension plan in place for its loyal longtime workers. Our personnel manager gave me a whole package explaining what I was entitled to and though I only briefly skimmed it, a date jumped out at me. June 1, 2047 is the day when I, at age 65, can retire. I believe I had what Oprah refers to as an "Aha Moment". Or in this case, it was more of a "Holy Shit! Moment". It dawned on me that if I don't leave, I'll still be here. Ellen, the personnel manager, also congratulated me on my five years with the company. She told me that she had already ordered me a new 5 year name badge and promised that there would be some type of presentation at the morning meeting. I said, "No thanks" and that I'd rather mourn privately.

The advantages of this new badge are that it's silver and sparkly. The disadvantage is that it says "5 Years" which roughly translated means "things sure didn't turn out the way I planned". Also disadvantageous, it's sparkly visage attracts customers who think they've struck gold to have found such a seasoned professional to answer their questions. This renders useless my standard go-to response for all customer inquiries: "I don't know. I just started yesterday.

In related news, five years is the length of time I've been threatening people with facial mutilation apparently. When customers exit the fitting rooms, I always offer to take the items they don't want to buy. I have been saying "I'll take your nos" which, it was only recently pointed out to me, sounds exactly like "I'll take your nose". Looking back now, there has been a trend of people stepping back and protecting their faces when confronted with this offer. On those occasions, I usually thought they hadn't heard me so I would advance towards them and repeat it louder, "I'LL TAKE YOUR NOS!"