Back Online

I'm finally back online after two weeks without the internet. I've been going crazy not knowing what's going on in the world. I made one trip to the library on Spring Garden. I had a computer booked but I still had to kick off a wild looking man who I'm pretty sure was looking at porn. Things are not looking good for my own computer so I have stolen my brother's. We don't expect him back from Australia for at least a year so surely that will be enough time for him to forget he ever owned a computer. He'll probably buy a fancy new one over there anyway. In the last communication I received from him, he said he was learning to play the didgeridoo and that wallabies roam his campus. It sounds like he's living my dream. Jerk.

My house is filling up with students. Our current population is five, which includes a Japanese physics major, a young German man who doesn't understand the washing machine, a NSCAD student who's going through a bad break up, me, and Shorty. I smell a sitcom! Shorty has triumphed over many obstacles and somehow remains living in the house. Last week an insane fight broke out between him and the landlord over an unpaid phone bill. It very nearly came to blows. I dislike them both equally so I had no favorite to win. I was hoping for some kind of resolution but Shorty is still here and things are still volatile. But the situation is not without advantages. I've really been playing up the trauma I've endured living with Shorty. The result: I haven't paid rent in three months and no one's asking any questions.

I've also lost five lbs on the Shorty Diet. All you need for this diet is a Shorty. He will eat all your food so you cannot. When you wise up and start locking up all your food, the diet continues to work because every time you want a snack you think about all the hassle it will take to find the right keys to all the cabinets and end up saying "Screw that, I'll just have some gum".

Shorty's shopping spree at Wal-mart has also opened up some interesting new challenges at work now that I know the security guards a little better. They are constantly in need of volunteers. Whenever a woman is caught shoplifting, a female staff member has to go sit with them in the security office until the police arrive. It's basically a half hour break. The first couple of times were a breeze, the culprits scared 14-year-olds. The older she-thieves are a bit more challenging. One woman offered me a twenty dollar bribe to distract the security guards. Another time, a crackhead demanded to know if I was going to testify against her. And most recently, a drunk woman, who assaulted both the security guys, kept getting up from her bench and casually wandering around casing the exit like she was going to make a run for it. I was a nervous wreck by the time she finally got dealt with. I keep doing it though. I like their crazy stories.

I got a fake promotion. I use the term promotion loosely because there is no increase in pay, just an increase in responsibility and hassle. I'm now in charge of the accessories (purses, luggage, socks, belts etc.) department. Today I was given my own knife for cutting open boxes. This is a big deal. Not just anyone gets a knife. The knife distributor woman is very stingy. She also told me I had to watch an instructional video before I could use the knife. It's a good thing I didn't laugh because she was serious. I didn't have time to watch the video today so she made me promise twice that I would watch it tomorrow.